CHAPTER ONE, I THINK

A few days had passed since that gloriously uneventful day in the junkyard. Nothing had happened yet, at least nothing important. Sure, the Rum Tum Tugger had a temper tantrum when Pouncival hid his favourite fur brush, but that was pretty normal. In fact, things had been so peaceful that the Jellicles were getting worried.

"I’m getting worried," said Jellylorum. "Four days and nothing has happened that any decent author would want to put in a story! Four days of peace and quiet and a complete lack of authoryness!"

"What’s to worry about?" the Rum Tum Tugger said, stretching out on the old car.

"What’s to worry about?" Jellylorum repeated. "I’ll tell you what’s to worry about! Uh…" She paused, thinking, then tried (and failed) to snap her fingers. "Oh yeah! If the author isn’t here, that means anything could… happen… hang on… that wasn’t it…

"Right, I’ve got it now: If the author isn’t here, writing this, then something must’ve happened to her. And if something happens to the author, well, that’s gotta be bad!"

"Why would it be bad?" the Rum Tum Tugger asked. Jellylorum glared at him. "Stop making trouble! It’d be bad, that’s all! Bad!"

"So, what precisely are you planning to do about it?" Munkustrap asked. Jellylorum frowned. "I? Uh… I thought we could all sort of, uh, go on a quest…?"

"I refuse to go on a quest to search for the missing author," Alonzo said flatly. "On the grounds of it’s really stupid."

"It is not!" Jellylorum screeched. "It’s very important! And anyway, it sounds good: The Search For the Missing Author!"

The Jellicles thought this over. "She’s got a point, it does have a sort of ring to it," Skimbleshanks mused.

"And after all, we haven’t got anything better to do!" Bombalurina grinned.

"Then we’ll do it!" Jellylorum shouted dramatically. "We’ll go on a search--" "Say quest, it sounds better," Jennyanydots advised, "--QUEST, for the Missing Author!"

"Ooh, I like the way she got those capital letter thingies in there," Alonzo said.

CHAPTER TWO, OR POSSIBLY ONE AND A HALF

"I see one majour problem in this quest," Demeter said. "We have no idea where to start."

"Hmm, yes, that is a bit of a poser really," Bustopher Jones agreed, with a mouthful of key lime pie. "Why not start at a really good restaurant? I’m sure even authors must eat some time!"

"Oh, shut up about your stomach," Tumblebrutus said in disgust. "I have an idea." With this, he turned to the sky and shouted loudly "Hey! Author person! Are you up there??"

"Stupid kitten," Victoria hissed at him, "we’ve already established that she’s NOT--"

ER, YES, ACTUALLY, I AM, rang a loud and omnipotent sounding voice from the heavens. UM… CAN I HELP YOU?

"Well, that’s great!" Jellylorum complained. "If the author’s up there, there’s no need to go on a Quest for the Missing Author!"

PRECISELY. SO PLEASE, ALL OF YOU, GET BACK TO WORK ON BEING BORING?

"Boring?" Munkustrap asked. "Why would an author want her characters to be boring?"

BECAUSE… WELL, THINK ABOUT MY LIFE. IT DOES GET RATHER TEDIOUS, SPENDING ALL DAY THINKING UP NEW WAYS FOR YOU CATS TO ANGST! I WANT A BREAK!

The cats were silent for a brief time, thinking on this. Then - "Oh, okay," said Demeter. "Sorry to disturb you," Skimbleshanks added.

THANKS. NOW, BACK TO WORK, AND PLEASE FORGET ABOUT THIS ABORTED QUEST, ALL RIGHT? THANKS AGAIN.

The Jellicles proceeded to do so, settling down for what looked like a lifetime of peace and quiet; though they knew this blissful boredom would not last for long; just until the author had come up with a new form of torture.

THE END AND I MEAN IT, I REALLY DO.